So, you think he is cheating on you? We women were born with an innate intuition. Intuition is our protector, an internal alarm that wards off danger and heightens our awareness. But how often are we silencing that inner voice, when we don't like what it is telling us? Tell me if this sounds familiar? Our intuitive warning bells go off DING, DING, DING, we ignore it, then later learn that our intuition was right?
For more insight, I interviewed former private investigator, Mike Kennedy and asked him what he thought about women's intuition. He told me the majority of his clients were women who were afraid their partners were cheating on them. When I asked him how it turned out, he responded, "in his experience, when a woman feels something is wrong and she hires me to uncover the truth...she needs to be prepared for the outcome, because on almost every occasion she is right, I catch her man cheating".
So, is it o.k to check on your mate? How can we get past the fact that it is a huge invasion of privacy?
Lets explore this further, shall we?
IS IT EVER OKAY TO SPY ON YOUR PARTNER?
My advice to clients is always to talk more with your partner. You will need to make sure and have a conversation rather then a confrontation.
You can tell a lot from body language, and their responses. If they are defensive it isn't always a sign of guilt. I suggest calmly letting them know you love them and feel uneasy with the conversation, however you sense something isn't right and you need their help to uncover the problem. Ask honestly if they are still committed to this monogamous relationship with you.
You do not want to come at your partner with aggression or angst because this sets things up as an accusation and a fight. Without any actual proof, this could be a very difficult conversation to have without a resolution.
So, how could this conversation turn out without proof
a) your wonderful guy is open to communicating, has just been overly tired, and is still loyal to your relationship and you believe him.
b) He is semi open to the conversation, has something to hide, feels immensely guilty and sorry for his actions and comes clean with you even though you have no real evidence of an infidelity. He confesses and you come up with a resolution plan together.
and - Not so well...
c) He is cheating on you or up to behavior that could hurt you financially, emotionally or physically and is going to lie to protect himself and not lose what you have to offer him. He will not confess to anything and most likely you will be hit with denial and possibly aggression because now your partner is afraid of the fallout. They may be afraid of you leaving them, punishing them, rejection, and judgment from yourself, friends and family.
So, what do you do with Option "C"? - How do you protect yourself?
If your gut is telling you that something is wrong and you've had that moment where you talk about it, and still are not satisfied with the answer," You might feel compelled to dig deeper.
How, you ask?
1) Your own investigation - Drop by their home or place of business with a nice lunch (just happened to be in the neighborhood). Have you driven by their house (If they do not live with you) or to their office to see who they are spending their time with yet - and if so, what did you find?
2) Check their phone or computer? Have there been strange late night messages dinging their phone? Have you nonchalantly asked to use their phone for a moment, and there is a new password lock on it; they are very protective and secretive? Do they hide texts from you? Do they say, "hold on a minute", unlock their phone, and scramble with it awkwardly before handing it over?
If so, that's a red flag. However, it is not proof. It is only assumption.
I had a client whose husband was cheating and when she asked to use his phone...she said his fidgety body, facial expressions and noticeable discomfort, were enough for her to realize he had something to hide. So she further investigated.
You will need resources to gather any tangible proof of an infidelity such as
1) Text exchanges
3) Voicemail messages
4) A Private Investigator's report
5) A friend or confidante seeing your partner with someone else
6) Finding personal articles in car or residence that do not belong to you
8) Social media activity and communications (chat) in which romantic words have been exchanged
With tangible proof, you have the cards out on the table and there is no room for denial, or manipulation. A very real conversation can and needs to take place.
3) Next Step - I hate to do this, but if you are really concerned and talking hasn't helped...checking their home or office has not uncovered anything...checking their phone and computer has not uncovered anything shady and you have no proof..you now have to get real with yourself.
And ask this:
a) Why are you not trusting in your partner? Are you carrying something in this relationship from a past situation? Have you been cheated on previously and are unable to open up and trust your new partner?
b) Are you struggling with anxiety/depression/insecurity and their actions and behaviors do not warrant this type of mistrust and invasion of privacy?
c) Your intuition will not let it go. Your partner's behavior has significantly changed toward you and the relationship; They are distant and secretive. You feel they are lieing and even if you found anything yet, you want to dig deeper.
So, here's the worst case scenario:
TRUTH BOMB 1: What you find could hurt you emotionally and you need to have a game plan if you uncover an infidelity.
TRUTH BOMB 2: If you do not have or uncover any proof, the lack of trust and invasion of their space and privacy warrants the ending of a relationship.
2 Ways to Further your investigation
1) Elicit the help of a private investigator
2) Utilize a mobile or computer spy app
( I will not endorse or suggest an app program in this article, however there are things to know before taking this route)
1) The majority of the apps which you find online must be installed on the target device.
2) It can be tricky to upload them technically, so do your research.
3) Check and make sure the target phone is compatible. Not all models are.
I have received many letters from frustrated women that in desperation, have downloaded a cell phone spy program that is undetectable on their mates cell phones and they have uncovered what they needed to know. It is always my advise to spend valuable time with your partner in deep communication before taking these measures.
If you feel that there is something going on in your relationship that could hurt your financial security or emotional or personal safety; this could be a last case scenario.
I want to end this by saying, how truly sorry I am that you are going through this. I want you to feel the full embrace of healthy, good love.
There is recovery after infidelity in a relationship and for yourself.
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(This article was submitted by Relationship and Business Coach, Syndeelou Jones, CEO)